anxiety

my anxiety levels have been unusually high this trip.  it's not because of covid, though i certainly think that plays apart.  not the virus itself, but the side effects.

the rules, at least the ones followed, are different everywhere.  i've had different breakfast arrangements in multiple hotels.  One has a light breakfast of only prepared, prepackaged food; one has no prepared hot food but not necessarily prepackaged; and this one has no open breakfast area at all, they have a paper bag for each guest with water, an apple, and two granola bars.  

the restaurants i've seen are take out only.  some won't let you inside, some won't let you sit outside, either.  If there is an inside counter, usually the employees are wearing masks, customers optional, distancing agreed on.  yesterday, i stopped at a cafe that only allowed me in to use the bathroom if i wore a mask and washed my hands.  they let me sit outside, i was the only one, and the server took my water bottles in to fill them for me.  on the other hand, i've been in convenience stores that wouldn't let me fill water bottles but masks were individual discretion.

masks are a little less definitive.  in kansas it seemed few wore masks.  here in colorado, it's much more common.  plastic shields at service counters vary alot from place to place.

but the big impact is 1) not having the social interaction.  there are a few conversations, all carried out around 10 feet away, doesn't matter where you are: at a park, in a store, in a hotel.  the result is, of course, the talk is short, infrequent and superficial.  if i talk to someone once a day, it's unusual.  store employees, maybe two.  then, 2) it limits those moments of safety, calm, and regrouping.  and those moments really help when you're dealing alone with issues on the road.  and especially when you need temporary reprieve from the weather.  i never realized how important those times spent in local cafes were.  it's not so much about the chai; it's about having a place to chill and regroup.  and 3) the towns are dead.  a few people scurry around doing essential things, a few shops are open, but there's no normalacy to it.  no way to stop and get the feel of it.

it's interesting that the times i feel best are when i'm riding.  dealing with how my legs feel, what debris might be on the shoulder, wondering what bird that was, which way and how hard is the wind blowing.  playing mind games to make the next 10, 5, or even 1 mile.  it's when i stop that the anxieties set in.  evaluating the many variables of weather, places to stay, distances to go, equipment condition, etc., etc.  nights in hotels are particularly that way, especially since there is no one to share the load with.  where are you, samwise?

i say all this with just 4 days of riding left, facing a potential 20mph wind today (not here yet this morning, thankfully.  hope it holds.), camping out the next two nights and not knowing where.  if the wind stays down, it will be okay.  i'm looking forward to the rio grande river and gorges.  i'm guessing aldo leopold's house will be closed to visitors, though.